


Useless how to's

by lonely_the_band



Category: N/A - Fandom
Genre: God this is awful, Other, Useless, basically a tip guide, nothing at all, yeet skeet reet this story slaps you on the ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 17:30:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18480967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonely_the_band/pseuds/lonely_the_band
Summary: you heard it folksuseless how to's





	1. Chapter 1

Have you ever bumped into someone in the hallway and just inwardly shriveled up embarrassed? Do you want to know how to be invisible? Want to learn how to stay quiet in class? With these multiple short guides, you can!

How to avoid people in the hallways

In the hallways of your school, there are some people you just don’t want to talk to. Old friends, enemies, and other people of the sort. This guide will give you all of the top tips and techniques you need to survive the halls of your work or school while avoiding human beings.

Tip #1: Binders, folders, books, etc.  
While in the hallways, binders can help block the face, and if you feel weird about touching people in the crowded hallways, you can use them as shields. 

Tip #2: BODY LANGUAGE  
If someone approaches you and you don’t want to talk, keep your head down, and keep on moving. If it’s someone you really don’t want to talk to, ignore them completely. Books are always helpful for this. A rushed gait will indicate that you don’t have time to talk, and a stiff posture indicates that you don’t like the conversation.

Tip #3: Recalculate.  
Try different routes to get past those hallway traffic jams and avoid people! Ex. Going downstairs and back up.

Tip #4: The bathroom  
The untold taboo of any conversation. THE BATHROOM. Anyways, this is always a surefire way to get rid of an annoying person attempting a conversation. If you don’t embarrass easily, then just say the words “I REALLY need to pee” or “I gotta go to the bathroom” and voila! They disappear! If you aren’t as comfortable doing that, just go into the bathroom, hopefully leaving that annoying person outside either waiting (hopefully not) or leaving. Hopefully they won’t be motivated enough to walk inside and chat you up in the bathroom stall. If they do, they probably need some serious help, and you most likely made the right decision to try and avoid them. If this doesn’t work, I’m sorry. Not every idea can be a winner, ok?

Tip #5: Well, this is a given  
Just avoid them. Do everything in your power (and this manual) to get away from that creepy person who talks to you in the bathroom stall. I mean seriously, why would you ever talk to someone in the bathroom, the weirdest place to have a conversation. Like “Hey Jim, nice weather we’re having right now, eh? Pass the toilet paper please.” Or the wastebasket. I think I need to barf after writing that sentence. Onto tip #6.

Tip #6  
Be ready to lie. Take a college level course in lying if you have to. Words are the best defense in this wild safari of people you don’t want to talk to. Clubs, sports and other activities will work, as well as taking care of a class pet, or “accidentally” leaving a paper in a classroom. You can be creative if you want. “Oh no! I left Mr. Zimmerman’s pet orangutan Billy in the classroom! I have to go get his birdcage! I’ll be right back!”

Tip #7 SCHOOLWORK  
Hey, when all else fails you gotta step back to the school excuses… Easiest one? My class is on the other side of the building and I have to get there… FAST. If that’s too easy, being creative is a bonus here too! Make up your own and have some fun with it!

Through this guide, I hope you learned how to be the best at avoiding human contact!  



	2. How to be quiet in class

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alright  
> this is the second installment

Technique #1: TAPE!!!!  
Have you ever had a parent threaten to tape you to a wall or chair? This is kinda like that except for that it’s for your mouth, not your hyper self. This technique works very well at keeping you quiet, and also gives you an edgy “broken jaw on a budget” look. Tape is a wonderful, no-nonsense, practical approach for shutting up! The author advises that you use clear tape for a nice see-through look, unless you are looking for the “broken jaw on a budget” look, in which case you should use duct tape. While tape does the job, and does it well, it won’t work if your teacher is a “spontaneous picker”, one of those who picks people at random. So, if you’re sitting in class, not raising your hand, with your tape on your mouth, and the teacher calls on you, you’ll have to rip the tape. While this may be a way to wax your upper lip, results aren’t guaranteed, and it’s also going to hurt a lot. Trust me. It hurts really badly. 

Technique #2: Glue  
Hey! That rhymes! Getting on to the point of this tip, the second technique is glue, which I’m sure you guessed from the title. Now, I myself advise a nice universal glue stick because they work really well and are standard in the classroom environment. But Elmer's glue or any other type of glue will work. Now, don’t be that one person who uses super glue, or wood glue or something that only really strong people can rip apart. If you aren’t getting the gist of this, JUST GLUE YOUR LIPS TOGETHER. It’s as simple as that. Now, glue is a lot simpler for the quick release if your teacher likes calling on random people, unlike the tape, which includes a full upper lip wax. Now, for those health freaks out there, you may be worried about the potentially toxic properties of glue. Don't worry, I have it all figured out. You simply use school glue, which as it is used for school purposes, it has to be non-toxic. And, as they are non-toxic, they are perfectly safe to put on the skin, or in this case lips. As I've said before, the glue approach works very well for teachers who love spur-of-the-moment calling on kids. Unless it is super glue or rubber cement, it should come off easily. While that may be tempting for the recovering volcano mouth, it will work in a pinch if you forgot your tape. Also, just a side note, the universal glue sticks taste like grape soda.

Technique #3 Staples  
Now, this really only counts as one thing, so yeah.  
If you really want to rock that “broken jaw” look, this is the way to go. While the tape shows a more budget look, the staples/stitches/wires will look real because they are real! Now, I am not liable if this causes immense pain, involves a trip to the emergency room and/or gives you some cool new lip piercings. To be honest, I’m not liable for writing this and giving you the idea to break your jaw. To get lip piercings, you do NOT need to go to the emergency room.

Okay, so I just realized while I was writing this that there are not very many ways to stay quiet in class, so instead of any more techniques, I have included a completely fake but also kind of cool bonus story about the invention of adhesives. 

So- once upon a time there was this guy named Ga-Louie. I don’t know why he was named that, maybe his parents weren’t sane or something. Also, they had weird names back then. Anyways, Ga-Louie joined a gang, and the gang members were like “Yo namez iz dum. Letz change it.” So they changed it to Glouie, and that’s how they got the name, but how did the glue happen? So the gang met in a clubhouse in the woods and it was close to some pine trees. So one day this little kid walks in and the gang is like “well ur not suppozed to be here.” The gang got mad, like really mad and they got SO mad, they stuck him to a tree with pine sap. Ta-da! And there it is… the invention of glue. Glouie will be remembered not for his lack of brains or his cruelty, but for the invention of the stickiest stuff possibly ever


	3. How to be invisible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haha guess what  
> it's part three

Technique #1 Pull a Harry Potter  
Might as well start with the most magical option! First, you have to be an orphan. Then, you need to be tortured and treated like crap by your aunt and uncle for a decade, until you start getting these stupid chain letter so you move to a crappy flat in the middle of an ocean with no snacks where this “horizontally challenged” giant busts down your door ruining your investment. Anyways, after that, it’s time to go to a magical strip mall and make sure that you have a caged owl for your trip to a train station where no one at all will notice it? After that, school. And at christmas during your first year, you get a magical invisibility cloak from this mysterious stranger.

Technique #2 Cover yourself in invisible ink.  
You’re probably going to need to make a huge batch of invisible ink for this. So if you want to make yourself invisible, you can either buy maybe 2,000,000 of those invisible ink pens that they sell at book fairs or douse yourself in the juice of 2,000,000 lemons, either way you’re probably going to spend a lot of money. One you have done that, prepare for either smooth tight skin or a trip to the hospital for burns from the chemicals. Just a warning, this probably isn’t a good way to try to be invisible. Also just having tried things like this before, it’s probably not best to cover yourself in lemon juice, the acid could really burn your skin.

Technique #3 Hair+Clothes  
Gotta go with naturals sometimes! So with your hair, this will probably work better if you are a female, because long hairstyles in males normally grab the attention. With hair, you can always use it to cover your face/blend in. WIth clothes, it might be a little harder. I advise shopping in the mens section, as they have good clothes with colors that will match your school's walls, tint to tint. These are probably the best options for a school environment, seeing as you might look a little odd walking into school wearing the juice of 2,000,000 lemons or invisible ink pens.

Technique #4 Invisibility hat  
Now, a certain Boston Red Socks hat will grant you invisibility. But as it is an artifact, and it’s one of a kind, it’s not gonna happen. Unless you can sneak into their house and steal it…? No. The probability is literally one in a million.

Have fun taking apart 2,000,000 invisible ink pens to sneak into the movies or whatever.


	4. How to destroy things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and its the last guide...   
> for now

Everyone at some point or another has felt the burning urge to break something, whether it be precious or just something that you don’t like. This guide with give you some helpful tips on how to shatter everything.

Technique #1 A hammer  
It’s hammer time. Hammers are often used to break things, whether they be rocks, or anything else that you may want to shatter to pieces out of curiosity, like a rock, or something else, like a photo of your ex. Also in this category is the sledgehammer, used to smash larger rocks and things like your ex's car.

Technique #2 Personality  
To break hearts, simply use your beauty or your coldheartedness.

Technique #3 Saws!  
Everyone loves saws right? Well, saws can be used for wood and for other things, like dummies or rocks or breaking chains or something like that.

Technique #4 Walls and muscles  
When all else fails this is a favorite of mine. Anything will break if you throw it against a wall hard enough. Now I know you might be saying right now “bUt WhAt iF i’M wEaK?” Then just revert to other methods such as hitting it against the wall, saws, or hammers. Things that you really don’t like you can always put in a blender and then burn to, although I don’t condone putting rocks in blenders, as you may ruin your valuable blender.

Technique #6 Keurig  
This one came up because it’s one of my personal favorites. Got a picture of someone you don’t like? Well that’s easy! Stick it in the Keurig! It’ll be nice and easy to get rid of, and comes with bonus ink flavored hot water!! Along with the electronic devices thing is the blender, which again I do not advise you to put rocks in.

Technique #7 Wrecking ball/other heavy equipment  
As the old saying goes “conflicts can be solved with bulldozers.” It’s not a saying? Ok then. Well anyways, wrecking balls and other heavy machinery are great for destroying thing. Cars, houses, people, driveways, snow and many other things are all susceptible to wrecking ball attacks, “unfortunately”.

Technique #8 Smashing them  
Whether pressure of rocks or a high quality squisher, smashing help with everything. Don’t want a photo? Smash it! Don’t want a cupcake (you weirdo)? Smash it! Don’t care for a pumpkin carving on halloween? Smash it! Want to smash something because it’s satisfying? Smash it!

Wow… that was a lot of ways to destroy something. Hope you have fun decimating whatever it is!


End file.
